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I honestly wasn't sure where to post this so I hope it's alright I post it here. I wanted to get some outside opinions on the topic of consequences for a cheating partners actions. As of right now I am leaning towards attempting reconciliation. He says he is sorry for what he has done and he wants to get help. He has found a support group and also a therapist. One thing that I am stuck on is the idea of consequences. I feel that moving forward, forgiving him, and letting him back into my life this soon let's him get off easy. If there are no consequences, then what will deter him from cheating again? It's been about two weeks and he has been staying in a detached portion of our home. He has spent the last two weeks not having to do any housework or do anything to actually care for our children. He still sees them the same amount as before dday, however now he just gets to play with them without actually having to do any of the hard stuff like meal times, bath time, bedtime, etc. In my eyes, it seems like he's had to pay no real price for what he's done. In fact, his life seems to have gotten easier.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes much sense or if it makes me sound vindictive. I just feel like I have suffered so much from the lying and cheating over the past 20 years and he gets to be invited right back in without consequence.

I’m not much on giving advice because WH has cheated multiple times and I’m still with him. So clearly my WH’s consequences were not enough and I still hate myself for being weak.
Anyway 2 weeks isn’t that long. It sounds like he’s trying. If he moves back in, will it go back to before dday? Dinner together? Sleeping in same bed? Watching TV together? I’m just trying to give you things to think about but ultimately it’s your decision and no situation is the same.
Wishing you peace!

As of right now I am leaning towards attempting reconciliation.

Hello, Drowningingrief. The opportunity to reconcile is a GIFT that we offer to a wayward spouse. The bulk of the work falls squarely on the shoulders of the wayward spouse. Your WH broke your marriage and it is up to him to do everything he can to repair the damage, help you to heal, and to own and fix his shit.

I would highly recommend buying a copy of:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair; A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"

By Linda J. MacDonald

It's a short book, although it's hard for most WS to read. Around here, it's considered essential reading. If he reads it and takes it to heart, reconciliation might be possible. If he chooses not to read it, I would highly recommend taking R (reconciliation) off the table.

Pinned to the very top of the Wayward Side forum is a post entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know". Print and give it to him.

At the top right of this page you'll find a "hamburger menu" link. Click on The Healing Library. Inside the "Articles" section you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members.

At some point in the the near future, I would recommend that you write out your terms and conditions for R. IOW, exactly what you expect from him in order for R to proceed.

Keep in mind that reconciliation is never a forgone conclusion. For most couples, R takes at least two years, often longer.

A WS's consequences can easily include a D (divorce). Some folks never offer their WS the chance to R. They head straight to divorce, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Your WH has blown-up his life. I'd imagine you no longer trust him, believe anything he says, or have much desire to be around him. He's betrayed himself (and you and your family), revealing his lack of integrity, honor or self-respect. Those are certainly consequences.

While I don't personally recommend it, you could go the Biblical route and have him stoned.

Before you commit to R, make sure your WH is worthy of the gift you're willing to offer.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:43 AM, Thursday, July 9th]

Have you made him tell both sides of the family what he has done? That’s a good starting point IMHO.

There's a difference between consequences and punishment. It's natural to want both, especially at first, because of all the anger that arises from being betrayed. Consequences happen somewhat naturally from your reactions to the situation - wanting him out of your bedroom, etc. Punishment is something you do in order to hurt him. Neither is guaranteed to deter him from cheating again. That has to come from within him.

I think we all want some way to guarantee that our WS won't cheat again in the future, but there's no way to do that. It doesn't matter how severe the consequences (or punishment). That's a hard truth to swallow.

Ultimately you have to figure out what you want and what you're willing to accept for yourself. Assume that he will cheat again if he's been doing it for 20 years already. What is your response to that?

I feel that moving forward, forgiving him, and letting him back into my life this soon let's him get off easy.

If you feel this way, why not take a longer separation?

This from Unhinged is gold

Your WH has blown-up his life. I'd imagine you no longer trust him, believe anything he says, or have much desire to be around him. He's betrayed himself (and you and your family), revealing his lack of integrity, honor or self-respect. Those are certainly consequences.

We BS get lost in a maze of facets and complexity when trauma hits us, sister.

However the basics we almost ignore as they are obvious, paradoxically not paying attention to their weight in the choice for consequences.

What unhinged said is all we need to begin our first step, reclamation of the agency that was taken away from us:

- our Wayward Partner blew up their life
- being part of their life we blew up too. Collateral damage.
- do we want to rebuild something with this person again knowing they are well capable, that they could blew it all up again?

If the answer is no, then it’s easy.

If the answer is yes then we need to reassess everything, past, present and future, understanding what they need to change to prevent another explosion (safe partner) and what we need to be able to stitch our mauled fragments toghether and return to our functioning, healed self.

Scars will stay if we don’t choose to start a new life over (even then you will still carry some phantom pain).

But both options can be worthy depending how you answer to the basic questions.

You have been heard

When people separate / divorce, they typically take turns with the kids. Maybe you should take a rotation in the detached portion of the house. He can see what life will be like as a single father, a consequence of his actions.

By the way, him being alone in the guest house is not helping him with his porn addiction. Just sayin’.

I would see that he earns his forgiveness. From your first post, I thought it was clear that he hadn’t even told you everything. That to me should be a prerequisite for any kind of moving forward together.

I think you also need to see that he’s safe first - not emotionally, but physically. Have the STD tests come back? He was exposed to HIV, right? It looked to me like he exposed himself, and by extension you, to HIV, and in response he got medicine for just himself and tried to keep you in the dark. If I read that right, that’s not a safe partner.

Hi, Drowning, it has only been about two weeks since your discovery.

Your husband has been cheating and lying for almost your entire marriage.

Think long and hard about reconciliation, it is a gift for someone who is truly remorseful and who can prove over time consistency in his actions, a leopard cannot change its spots, your husband has physically cheated five times that you know of aside from everything else, porn, etc.

Are you in individual counseling, a good counselor who can help guide you through this living hell?

He blew up your entire life, please do not sweep this under the rug.

I don't know what consequences would change a serial cheater, I would want to see consistent changes over a very long period of time.

Please do not make any quick decisions, his only consequence is moving to the guest house..

Many cheaters have burner phones, please stay vigilant.

Usually, we read that a WS who will doe the work of R increases involvement with their nuclear family after d-day. Your H has withdrawn.

Do you talk? Do you ask questions? Does he answer them? Do you think the answers are truthful - full of truth, and only truth?

You can R without forgiving.

Exposing himself to HIV and not telling you so that you can protect yourself would make me question whether he'll ever be a good candidate for R, though. Or was he somehow just recently exposed, and you haven't had sex since his exposure?

Your H looks like a toxic person to me, not a candidate for R. And R takes 2. That means both partners must do their work for R to succeed.

Why is he not doing housework or helping care for the children? Has he been sent to the detached portion of the house like a child being grounded and sent to their room? Can he not pitch in at all? If he's seeing them the same amount as before d day does that mean he's never helped out?

I read your other post and your husband doesn't sound like a safe partner right now at all. Have you talked to any lawyers? You should be entitled to child support and likely alimony. I'm not saying you necessarily have to immediately file, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know what a divorce might look like financially for you. It might also introduce some consequences, or at least the idea of potential consequences into the situation for him.

Consequences of any type will not stop someone from cheating.

Taken from a different perspective, a serial cheater has an addiction to cheating. The threat of D isn’t going to stop that behavior. The behavior will only stop IF THE CHEATER CHOOSES TO STOP BEING A CHEATER.

Now there are things you can (and should) do to protect yourself. I’d suggest always having an exit strategy AND having your financial house in order. This way if you decide to leave then you have some $ behind you and you are better prepared to walk away.

After my H’s first 4 year EA affair that he refused to admit to, I thought he understood what he did wrong. Turns out his second affair was much worse and he was kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW.

One of the reasons things are different now is because I changed and he knows I will walk out the door in a second. I don’t need a reason or it does not have to be cheating related. I’m no longer a doormat.

Right now your H needs to start proving he is making amends, getting counseling for himself and is truly remorseful. It will take a few years for you to start to have confidence in him and believe him again.

But he needs to be leading the Reconciliation process. Not you. There are books he can read and things he can do to assure you every day he’s changed.

Is it even safe for you to stay with someone engaging in sex so physically risky that he feels he needs prEP? That's a serious risk for your own health