SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Pleasehelpmebebetter at 3:42 AM, Sunday, May 24th]

I'm using definitions in a conversation here, with you. I'm not pulling up definitions in conversation with him.

My H and I are not arguing about the infidelity; we're having arguments about care of our child and pets, who's making dinner, whether we should start recording interactions, etc.

Again, I'm not here dropping lines about how shattered my husband's soul is every other sentence, because I don't speak for him, that's not helping him, and I don't feel the need to prove it to you that I understand his pain. I think whether someone is talking about it constantly or not is an unreliable metric to judge whether someone understands or not, but whatever.

I read Gemmy's letter and also cried earlier today. He is truly an exceptional writer and a gift to this community. edited to add: It doesn't make sense to tell me to read it and not look out for manipulation tactics. The letter is literally addressed to himself; there is one person speaking. Who would he be manipulating?

I assure you, I have arguments with AI as well lol. Arguments that I can never win because the chat bots are just LLMs; they don't apply real logic to things or remember your previous points enough to apply coherent logic. That's another exposure therapy tool for me. I feel really stupid in the moments after getting angry with the AI. Helps put things in perspective.

I'm not in a tower. You keep imagining me there.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:44 AM, Sunday, May 24th]

You miss 100% of the points you choose to dodge - Or whatever Wayne said.

Hmmm... I'm going to challenge your assertion above.

How do you think and feel the betrayal of infidelity has affected your husband?

I'm writing to suggest a solution for part of your dissatisfaction: Explicitly ask the questions you really want to ask.

He could have just answered my question, which was basically, "Do you want to cook or should I?"

But that isn't the question you actually asked. You have written, in essence, that you expected your BS to answer a question you didn't ask. How can he do that? And how do you not take responsibility for starting the conversation off in a way that is almost certain to be misconstrued?

You expected him to cook. What was your purpose in asking him if he wanted to cook?

If you expect your BS to hear what you mean even when you do not speak clearly, IMO you ought to give him the same consideration.

Foreverlabelled,

I'm not dodging anything. I'm responding to what you said with counterpoints. It's no skin off my nose if my responses bother you.

Question for you, because I'm genuinely curious: Do you think you were able to let go of your shame for your infidelity, and for your role in someone else's infideliy as an AP?

Sisoon,

I did explicitly ask the question. I said "What do you want to do?" followed up with the fact that the chicken was expiring, provided the options of either him cooking the meal he mentioned wanting to cook, or me cooking a different meal, and proposed soluions for clean up of the counters and dishes. I invited him to select an option and then listed the options. Instead of picking an option, he went straight to "Why am I expected to work all day and then come home to cook?"

I did not expect him to cook. I was perfectly willing to cook; I just didn't want him to be upset with me if I used the ingredients he had requested for the meal he wanted to make, nor deny him the option of cooking if that's what he wanted to do that night. I can't tell you how angry he gets when he has a plan in his head and I unknowingly do something that interferes with it, or when he goes to cook something and we don't have an ingredient he needs. I was trying to navigate all of that at once to avoid upsetting him further, because I knew he was already upset about something when he walked in the room. That's why I structured my quesion the way I did. This is what I mean when I say I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

But like I said, no matter how I would have responded to "What are we doing about dinner?" he would have still gotten more upset with me, bcause he thought it was late, and he didn't let me know why he was upset.

Even if what I meant wasn't clear the first time, why did he double down when I said "I don't expect you to cook" and explained what i meant again?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:46 PM, Sunday, May 24th]

Thank you for proving my point more perfectly than I ever could have.

Question for you, because I'm genuinely curious: Do you think you were able to let go of your shame for your infidelity, and for your role in someone else's infideliy as an AP?

I seriously doubt you are that curious...

But let's look at shame.

The difference between a wayward acting out of shame versus true remorse is night and day.

​A wayward trapped in shame will constantly look for ways to deflect the conversation, debate the mechanics of the fight, or dig up a person's past to level the playing field because their ego literally cannot survive the feeling of being the bad guy.

​A wayward moving through pain and true remorse has completely dropped their shield. They are willing to feel the agonizing pain of what they did, because they care more about healing the person they hurt than protecting themselves.

So yeah.. I'd say I'm moreso coming from a place of remorse.

A few days ago you wrote:

The shame is incredibly loud right now, and every tool I know feels entirely out of reach.

and

But I am finding it incredibly difficult to cope with the gravity of the bomb I just dropped. It feels like D-Day all over again, and there is carnage everywhere. It is a gut-wrenching, heavy feeling.

I am just wondering if you're so insistent that I don't understand my husband's pain and that I must look harder at it because you're struggling with guilt/shame/remorse/all the negative feelings yourself. Just a hypothesis. I feel like this isn't really about me at all.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 12:34 AM, Monday, May 25th]