SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is very hard to write but I am thankful to have come across this group. I read some of the other stories and it almost felt as if I was talking about myself, I pray for some strength from realizing I am not alone.

I have been with my partner for 20 years, overall a very good relationship and we have been through everything imaginable together. He has always been my best friend.

At the end of May I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a woman living in Canada, we are in the US. It was his girlfriend from 45 years ago and it threw my entire world into turmoil.

Once discovered there were over 200+ hours of phone calls, 72 pages of texts... an average of 3 hours per day.

To say I was crushed was an understatement. I blocked access on our phone account only to have them begin communicating through messenger, eventually 1, 2, 3 burner phones.

I had a mental breakdown in July because I felt my entire foundation of my life had dropped out from under me. Many health issues, quit my job, ran away to a hotel for a while.

Each time discovered though he would promise it was over, only to have me discover another phone.

I wanted to be strong and say leave... I actually did make him move out twice, but each time I allowed and wanted him to come home.

I'm back working again and trying to focus on getting myself stronger. At this point I do know there is still a burner phone in our garage, which I have no access to. It taunts me constantly.

He has told me I can look any time I want, yet there is part of me that just doesn't want to know anymore. I just want my life back.

He has always been a man of integrity, ethics and protection of our lives.... I am now so afraid of what has happened and I truly wonder if I will ever be 'normal' again.

I still want our relationship to work, I still love him and want to believe him so badly. His actions show he is trying and does love me but the lies and that phone in the garage still haunt me all the time.

I feel broken hearted to read others posts and realize the devastation each of us is feeling... it truly debilitates everything in life and it is so hard to get ourselves back.

I'm just happy to find others that can truly understand and that we can offer support for one another

Hello and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re here. It helped me a lot to browse some of the pinned posts for newbies , the articles in the healing library, etc… make sure you are taking care of yourself , get a therapist that specializes in trauma if you haven’t already, try to eat and sleep and see the doctor to get medicine to help you with anxiety or sleeping if needed. In terms of your situation, he may have been a man with integrity previously, but he is not being a man with integrity now. Unfortunately you cannot make it work with someone who is still committing infidelity. You should have access to all of his accounts and all of the truth. You need him to make a timeline of the infidelity so there is no mystery about what he’s done or continues doing. And he needs to show legitimate remorse to be considered a candidate for reconciliation. How does he respond when you talk to him about what happened ? The thing about the burner phone shows me that he’s not really being completely forthcoming about the affair still.

Also
" He has told me I can look any time I want, yet there is part of me that just doesn't want to know anymore. I just want my life back."
This is a totally normal response , but I promise you as someone who tried to forget without doing any real healing, it will eat you alive years later when you think you’ve gotten past it. Your old life with him is unfortunately over , and the only hope you have with him is if he decides to work on himself and take major steps to fix the damage and find out what’s broken in him to lead him to do this to you in the first place. Wishing you peace !

Thank you for your kind response... I do realize everything you are saying is true. It's so amazing how we can convince ourselves that 'everything will be alright' even when we know it really isn't.

About the phone in the garage... he simply states that it is dead, he hasn't looked at it and that I can look at it any time I want. I contemplated it last night as we took our walk, however, as I said before, I'm scared of what I will find. Also, it really wouldn't prove anything because he could always delete any call logs or texts.

With the first burner phone I asked to see it and he smashed it with a hammer.

With the second burner phone I discovered he had sent pictures (yes of her) from our phone account to a different number. He said he was doing it to get it off of his phone so it wouldn't upset me.... ummm, you are still keeping her photos.

With that phone he made a big production of us, together, throwing it into a lake.

I just discovered the third burner phone two weeks ago when it showed up on my wifi. He had literally just moved back in two weeks before after I had asked him to move out.

Upon that discovery I once again asked him to leave and he chose to live in our garage. That wasn't going to work and he knew it. We live in an apartment complex and he knew I would cave in and ask him to come home.

As for the third phone I told him I do not want it in this house, period, and that I would know. So now it is in his garage, which I have no access too.

I called the woman myself, at this point three times and I know I need to stop. She is really nuts and insists they have been in love for 50 years even though they have not seen each other and didn't have any contact until this all began in May.

It's all just been mind numbing and heart breaking.

His actions do say he is trying to make things right, however he is not a big talker and so I still have so many questions. If I ask a question he is very good at deflecting and making me feel as if I am wrong for asking.

So, at this point I've set a six month goal to see if things can get better or if all trust is destroyed forever. I can't afford to live on my own so that is what I am working on now so that I am financially independent.

I truly do pray that he has come around but how can I trust right now when he just lied and lied and lied and was so deceitful. I'm not sure how that can ever be rebuilt again.

I hear you - it definitely is mind numbing ! And it can feel so confusing. I think it’s great that you set a time limit for yourself to try and see how you feel. It takes the pressure off for now and gives you those months to reflect and sit back and observe his actions. The fact that he deflects shows me he is not yet showing remorse. I think you need to go through all of his accounts and phones. It hurts but pretending that phone isn’t there will not make the pain go away. I unfortunately would guess that he has not yet gone no contact with the affair partner. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to make you feel safe at all. He is having his own emotional response .. smashing the phone with a hammer etc. , as someone who has had mental crisis myself I can only imagine how stressful all of that was for you. You are incredibly strong and you are going to make it through this !

If he lies and lies how do you know via his actions he is trying?

They contradict each other IMO.

And that will keep you in limbo longer than necessary.

I’m really sorry you are going through this.

I am encouraged to see you say you’re focused on yourself and getting stronger. That will be the key for you - getting to a place where you know you’ll be ok no matter what.

The lesson of this site is in some ways that two people who really want to reconcile can overcome just about any betrayal. That said, you had a mental breakdown and "many health issues". No relationship is worth your health or sanity.

Your "best friend" saw all this and his choice was to keep buying burner phones. That’s such a thorough annihilation of trust that you really will have to learn to trust yourself and not him. He has no credibility, even if he’s "trying" now. False R is so wickedly cruel.

Keep seeking your strength so that worst comes to worst, you’ll be sad and disappointed but not having mental and physical health crises.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. It's nice to have a place to put it all out there with others that understand.

Seeing each of your comments are very much all of the thoughts that continually go through my mind... sometimes it feels all consuming and I hope that will eventually lesson.

I would love to know how others dealt with this stage. Grief, denial, acceptance, fear, insecurity. It feels like my mind and body are constantly in a state of turmoil unless I am focused at work.

I know it is very much one day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute.

I'm just so afraid at age 60 of starting all over, not financially secure, still wanting to believe in this relationship that was good for so many years.

I would just love to know how you dealt with these things.

I know it is still very new even though it has been going on for 6 months. Each thing that happened began the process all over again and sometimes it just feels like I am still caught in the beginning shock.

I still just marvel that someone I've known so closely and loved so dearly for 20 years is acting like an entirely different person. I know that is about him and not me but I would love to know how each of you came to terms with that.

It does make you question everything - but sometimes when you’re in shock you still have rose colored glasses on. For me, the shock is starting to wear off a little bit and I can see that my relationship was not actually that great before this happened. There probably were red flags there for you too. I think it just takes time. I know you’re afraid of starting over at 60 but people do it all the time . My uncle just got remarried at age 80! He’s living his best life. Don’t let your age be a factor . Other than thinking about … do I want to live out the rest of my life happy? Or sacrifice it trying to love someone that is not reciprocating?
Something that has helped me deal with the shock is reading and re reading advice and posts on here. Journaling. Looking at reality vs romanticizing. Writing down the facts of the situation. Right now I don’t think you are at the point to be able to get through because the truth is not fully out. You need to know it’s really over , and you need a timeline of what actually happened. And you need to put up your own boundaries with him in the meantime. I e this relationship as we know it is on pause until you x y z (write a timeline , get an individual therapist , whatever it is that you feel like you need from him to feel like he is actually committed to your healing ). If he responds to that in a negative way , that’s information .

My mom got left by my dad for another woman when she was 62. So she didn’t really have the choice you’re facing. But what she did was therapy and just really deliberately filling her life.

She’s 82 now. She’s very happy with her life. She has a group of friends who go on walks together daily. She plays bridge and mah jong weekly. She sees friends. Goes to just about every one of her grandkids’ sporting events and recitals. She’s in a book club. She became the president of her condo association. She joined this church which has sunrise services on the beach. She just filled her life with things to do. She doesn’t wait for the phone to ring, she makes plans. Her life took a turn she never wanted but her life is good.

I still just marvel that someone I've known so closely and loved so dearly for 20 years is acting like an entirely different person. I know that is about him and not me but I would love to know how each of you came to terms with that.

I think this is one of the things everyone struggles with the most. Which is the real you? That’s why we say watch what he does, not what he says.

See a lawyer. You wrote partner rather than spouse. I have no idea what that does to you financially which is why you need legal advice.
Do not set deadlines for either of you. Wake up every day, look at his behavior, and decide how you feel about hanging on.
What they appear to have is the teenage version of baby geese imprinting on someone. Over the years animal rescue tries very hard to stop it because the geese grow up attached to the person instead of another goose. Teenagers brains are still maturing so it’s as if there is a tattoo in them with the hs sweetheart’s name. I have seen people divorce to marry their old loves and others get past it and stay married.
The outcome is his decision unless you decide first. So far he is playing mind games on you. Why are you allowing a mental "grenade" to be in your garage? At some point you might have to tell him not to let the door hit him in the a** as he leaves. Your body can only handle this stress before it breaks down.
You cannot change another person. You cannot make the love you or treat you with kindness and love. Please take care of yourself AND SEE A LAWYER ASAP.

Unfortunately you are now a member of the club that nobody ever thought they would be a member of. The fact he has a garage that you do not have access to is very telling. You've been together for decades yet he has a space that you are not allowed into? I am willing to bet that were you to gain access without him knowing you would be very surprised at what you find

Reconciliation will not work with him at this point because he is not remorseful. He keeps repeating the same pattern over and over. You not knowing what is on the phone in "hisc garage will eat you alive. It's the not knowing that destroys relationships

As far as being in your 60s and starting over, many people have done it successfully. Right now he knows that you are emotionally dependent upon him and he is using that as leverage against you which is disgusting

I too suggest you make an appointment with an attorney and follow through with it. And let your husband know that you're doing it. One member here had to do this in front of his wife for her to realize that her husband was ready to end the marriage. Some people have to be slapped in the face with a 2x4 to wake up, metaphorically speaking, maybe.

You have found a great place for support and advice