SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife cheated 10 years ago. We weren't able to separate because of finances. At times it looked like we might be able to work it out. Other times it definitely didn't. I'm finally at a place financially that I don't need her anymore. So we're in the process of her moving out by Year's end. She's currently living in the garage. She going to move out and rent a room once our bankruptcy is done.

I feel so many things. It comes and goes in so many different ways. I gave my whole life to this family. I don't have friends. Because I worked 60 hours a week trying to keep us afloat. I gave up everything and she's going to leave.

And she says that she has no interest in being in a relationship with anyone. But I know her. When she gets sad and wants attention, she sleeps with people. My prediction is that she'll be pregnant in a year or at the very least living with someone.

I'm going to have a house that's not in the best shape. An 18-year-old daughter and a 16 year old trans son who's on the spectrum to look after.

I'm just I'm just pissed off. You know I'm going to be working my ass off. Trying to make sure that kids have somewhere to live. I'm still going to be working 60 hours a week and responsible for everything. And she's going to work 40 hours a week and not have to worry about a fucking thing.

She's got hobbies and friends and shit. All I have is work it. It's all I have the time and energy for. It's not fucking fair. I had to be the responsible one our entire time together.

She gets to move on and do what she wants. And I get to continue the grind. I'm 43. How the fuck does a 43-year-old make friends? How am I supposed to find time to be with anyone? How do I live again? It's been so long I don't know.

Hi So: Sorry you have all this happening. It is good that you found this site and posted your situation. It helps to have a place to be heard and have others respond with support and advice. I hope that you will take time out of your busy schedule to take care of yourself, as it helps especially when feeling overwhelmed.

It doesn’t feel fair at all does it? They blew up our lives and don’t seem to be suffering any consequences. I know that life is not fair and all that but that doesn’t stop us from hating the injustice of it all. Hang in there.

None of it is fair at all. But we have to play the hand we are dealt,right? Whether it’s a good hand or a bad hand.

You are young. You have another 40 years of life ahead of you. It can be great.

How do you make friends? You get out and do things.
Say yes to every invitation you get - whether you are really interested or not. You might have fun, and you will meet people.
Volunteer, Coach, join meet-up groups, hobbiest groups, sports teams, book clubs, bicycling groups, D&D get-togethers… whatever it is you want to do. Go to a dance class. Or what you did before marriage - what were your interests?

And there is a bit of bravery involved in making friends. Ask someone to meet you to watch a game at the sports bar or ask to join folks at some thing they do.

You just get out there with an open mind. It’s not as easy as when we were kids, but you can make friends. It may take a little time, but keep putting yourself out with people you may have things in common with.

It seems bleak now, but it will get better, and you will thrive. You sound like a great dad, too, and people will see that too.

Also, read the Fear vs Reality post pinned in this forum. You will see that so many of us thought D would destroy us. And it did not, and so many of our fears never came to fruition.

First off, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. None of it is fair. None of it easy. Take some solace in knowing you're being a good person and a good dad.

Regarding the finances, if she's able-bodied, she should be looking for work or going back to school. What does your lawyer say about alimony and getting her to cover her expenses?

As for making friends, I've found the best way is to regularly get together with the same people. Clubs are really good for that (book club, hiking club, sports club, etc.). After a while, you start to get to know people, and you'll figure out who you click with. Then invite them out for something fun, or invite them to your house for pizza and a movie.

I used to work three jobs and had a kid, and after I discovered my stbx's cheating, I was desperate to reconnect with people and have people I could talk to and trust. I was also disabled at that point, so I couldn't go out much, so instead I started doing regular zoom meetings with people, like once a month. It was a great way to form new friendships, and there are a few people that I still "meet with" online every month or so. I also joined a local book club who meets monthly, and that's been great too.

All this happened when I was in my late 40s. You have time, and with your kids being older, it'll get easier. You just have to make it a priority to carve out a few hours each week for yourself.

So it goes - I don't really have solid advice for you, I'm an introvert so I know it's hard to make friends. But right now I don't care because I find people are more of a bother than anything else. Everyone seems crazy now. In a way you might be better off. I'm very sorry about your son as I know how hard it can be taking care of a troubled family member. If there are any groups, even on line, that might be able to help you with this, his situation, or may be even generally, that can be part of an answer. Just being HERE is part of an answer. I take it that your wife does NO caretaking of your kids at all, particularly the boy? Even if you could get a few hours of free time it might be helpful. Church is the most obvious answer especially if you have a variety in your area. You can jump around, it's kind of like dating. I don't really care about formal religion myself, but it might be a way for you to meet people and have some social interaction to build on. And there are a variety of churches and religious experience. Religion or spiritual matters can be good when you're going through a bad time. It can help to put things into a more useful and bearable framework. When I was a kid the nuns used to tell us that "life was a vale of woe" and I've always agreed with that....it's not cheerful, but I think it's basically true, and it helps me to keep things in perspective. A lot of life sucks but we slog through it. I think it's important to find some sense of purpose and fulfillment in life. Maybe one of your purposes IS raising your kids, what better thing is there, especially your son. So I would suggest online and possibly church for now and maybe a fun activity that doesn't take up a lot of time, bowling is a good one. If there's a community newspaper or online, you can sometimes find activities in there.

Keep your chin up. No matter what we're going through right now....things do change. Sometimes for the better, or sometimes they just change. I think the biggest change you may have coming, which may surprise you, is a much bigger sense of calm and clarity once you get your STBX wife out of the way. You probably don't even realize just how having her around drags you down. It's an energetic thing. Once you get her off the property....I think you WILL start feeling better in different ways - but don't let her back in!!! She sounds like an energy sink, let her pass along, make her own mistakes, don't rescue her, and I think that change in and of itself will be an ENORMOUS AND GOOD ONE FOR YOU. Many people are surprised by how much life gets better once the ball and chain are gone. Ya know, sometimes that's not a bad analogy!

P.S. Don't rush into it, but I think when you eventually start thinking about dating....you may be surprised at how popular men in your age group are, especially as opposed to women. I'm sure you don't feel like it now and you shouldn't, in my opinion, until you're wife is off the property, of course, but you sound like a stable, dedicated, caring guy, and that's a find for many women. I know you've had a long, hard slog for years but.....once she's gone, I think things will start to improve for you.

SoitGoes - Try to make a connection with your kids, as they may be struggling with this as well. This could be your best chance at their 16 & 18 year old ages. I know several people whose kids moved on and out of their home and area shortly after they graduated high school. And, then after that, rarely get to see them. Your kids will most likely appreciate your efforts and you can make some fun and lasting memories with them. Being with my kids helped me through some of the worst of it with my XWH. Times with my kids, are the best times that I had then. Also, as hard as it is - try not to think about your soon to be ex wife (STBX) all the time. You can control your thoughts. If you're thinking about her during a time when you decided not to - stop yourself and think about something else that isn't a negative. This is part of taking care of yourself.