SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Earlier this month i discovered my boyfriend of 2 years isn't over his ex.according to him he went on her Instagram page twice this year to see if she was still with the guy she had left him for. He told me Both times looking at her Instagram photos he was reliving having sex with her and wishing he could have sex with her in that moment. He felt guilty for those feelings and went searching online to fight his attraction to his ex. That's how I found out about it because I snooped in his phone and found he was searching online for help with his attraction to his ex.their relationship was very traumatic and I believe He's trauma bonded so He's started going to therapy for it this month......butthe whole situation is killing me emotionally. I told him tonight that awhile back I spoke about marriage but I can't marry someone hung up on their ex. He was very dismissive and said that he shouldn't be judged for a mistake he made looking her up twice in our two year relationship and that mistake is not the reflection of who he is now. He said he was looking forward to marriage and is now disappointed I would take it To the point I should reject marriage with him. He said he wont ever look her up on social media page again and he's over her.i said you only did one session of therapy how are you over her!?! He said he saw how much his actions caused so much damage and now he has no desire to look her up ever again.I told him if he works well in therapy for the next couple of months to get over his ex I will accept an engagement ring but I think he should only take it to the next step to marry me when he's completely over her and ready to move on with a lifetime commitment to me. He smiled and said okay I will prove to you I am over her. But I honestly don't even think I ever want to marry him. I'm so hurt by this betrayal. I can't believe he could be with me and still lust after someone who hurt him so badly according to him. I feel like my love for him has been completely taken for granted.

My wife searched for and found her ex boyfriend about 6 years after we married. I thought we had a fairy tale marriage. Turned out I was right. I had told myself a fairy tale. Her EA was on and off for about 15 years before I found out. Dday was 29 years ago. We are now married 51 years and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if she is still thinking she made a mistake breaking up with him. If you were my daughter I would tell you that this guy is high risk. Maybe he can find a way to get over her, buy why take that chance? Find a guy who would never think of you as Plan B.

I'm not sure that looking at an ex's insta is "emotionally cheating," or requires therapy. That doesn't mean you have to like it, but I don't think you're being fair to him.

You get to feel however you feel about this.

You aren’t obligated to feel differently. Period.

You aren’t obligated to be fair to him or give him another chance or anything else. You’re allowed to break up with a boyfriend for any reason at all. This is a fairly compelling one, all things considered.

You aren’t obligated to marry him no matter WHAT he does to try to convince you. You don’t have to have a "good enough" reason not to marry someone you don’t want to marry. If you don’t feel good about it and aren’t sure you want to marry him, don’t accept a ring. Don’t marry him. Period.

Marriage is a long and challenging road dealing with all of the many things that life may throw at both of you: money stress, job change/loss, illness and aging of loved ones, illness and aging for both of you, CHILDREN, potential challenges for your children, and SO much more. And yes, it also includes potential temptations along the way. Don’t marry someone that you’re not completely convinced is in love with YOU (as a person, not as a concept or a convenience or a benefit) and committed to going through all of that with you and only you by his side.

You don’t have to be with him just because he wants you to. You can see that he is exploring options in addition to you, that he is thinking about both you and her. This may not technically be infidelity, but it is DEFINITELY a red flag on his emotional health and stability and it is DEFINITELY a red flag that he likely isn’t ready to make the kind of emotional, physical, financial, permanent commitment that marriage is.

Your gut is telling you something. LISTEN to it.

If you don’t feel like you want to marry this person, DON’T. You don’t need a reason or an excuse or a pretext or anything else. You get to marry who you feel is everything that you want in a partner. Full stop. You also get to decide to never marry if that is what suits you. The important thing is YOU get to decide YOUR future and who you spend it with.

You are young. You don’t have to commit to anything with this person. There are plenty of good men out there.

Listen to yourself and do what is best for you for the long term, not just to make anyone happy at this moment with a ring and a wedding and a party. He can pursue his mental health issues and down the road hopefully be a better partner for someone, but that is about his path.

Your path and your happiness and well-being should be your only concern at this stage of your life. Many of us here can attest to the fact that it is never a good idea to put someone else’s wants, needs and goals ahead of your own—particularly when you are single and have the choice to take any road. Later, life can get complicated by many other things. Right now, the choice is only about you and your choices for your life.

Trust yourself and do what’s right for you.

At least he’s being honest.

He didn’t have to tell you what he was thinking.

However you don’t want to be in a relationship w/ someone who views the XGF as the "one that got away". Too many posters here on Si have gotten D for that exact scenario.

When I met my H I can tell you I was coming off a bad break up. I never once looked back at the other guy— even when he called me to get back together, I told him "sorry I met someone else and it’s serious". The guy got the message loud and clear.

In your case, I don’t know if there is anything your guy can do to undo this mess. You are always going to wonder about the Ex - trauma bond or not. I think that you will always have that nagging doubt (and rightfully so).

Gently and with the best of intentions...
I went through your older posts from the beginning... You have been in chaotic, semi-abusive, semi-mutually-abusive and traumatic relationships for some time. Plus your background (that you are very brave and correct to share with us) is likely to leave you traumatized.
This is a boyfriend of 2 years, meaning you started dating about a year after a long-term infidelity relationship... That’s a lot of trauma. Add to that possible past trauma from your past...
Focus on YOU.
Focus on personal healing.

Sounds like BF has his traumas to deal with and is still dealing with them.
It really sounds like you both went into a relationship too early.

I’m not going to say if this one is doomed, but I do think that both of you would do well in focusing on healing whatever it is you dragged into it. You could possibly lean on each other while doing so, but you could also do so separately.