SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH is doing and saying everything right. I feel like R could really work. However, did anyone feel like they just can’t live full of anxiety and pain? His existence triggers me.

Yup. It took me 12 months to stop waking up every day with my first thoughts being "I can’t do this. I need to D him".

Just because the cheater wants to R does not mean the betrayed has to reconcile. Honestly if you are not going to be happy with your spouse (even long term) then cheating might be a deal breaker for you.

If that’s the case then S or D is your better choice.

What if you realize 6 months from now he’s slacked off and is not doing things you need? Do you think just because you committed to R that you cannot change your mind?

You are not (and never were) obligated or required to stay married. Period. Cheating or no cheating. If you become dissatisfied or unhappy and there is no resolution, then sometimes D is your only or best option.

I took first 2 years day by day. Helped me keep my sanity.

D is always on the table. sometimes everyone does everything "right" but it’s just a deal breaker.
Or it just takes a long time to get through the immediate trauma, evaluate everything, and decide D would be better.

however, the WS triggering you is very normal. VERY NORMAL, especially if you are very near to DDAY. Ask for space if that is what you need.
Sometimes you want them close, others times they need to be in another part of the house. The roller coaster of emotions is real.

Over time you will know what path is best for you. Just try not to stab him with a fork when he gets on your nerves now ;-)

I’ve said this often here, but I divorced because it was no longer fair to me or my xh. He did the hard work and became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late. I could not get through his infidelities. It was a complete deal breaker for me, but it took me years to finally accept that reality.

You will know… when you know.

Have you gone through a physical separation for a while? Because I think that can help clarify things for a lot of people. Whether and how much you miss each other, if living alone feels like an improvement (it actually does for many) or if you really miss him or vice versa. It obviously gives you a sense of what divorce would be like so it might be really useful.

I think what you're saying is very common, many people just can't get past it. They can't get it out of their minds, they can't trust their spouse again, the marriage feels ruined. I use the old crack in the vase analogy, when the beautiful antique vase breaks, your eye always goes to the crack. I never understood why people find the Venus de Milo beautiful - to me she's just a broad without arms.

The way you feel is the way you feel, and it's always right. It's the way you feel, and that's how you have to live your life. You can't live an internal lie with yourself. It's possible that if you two divorce, you might even meet up again later on. It does happen. But I think the bottom line is that you have to be true to how you really feel in your gut. If it ain't working, it ain't working. Accept your own feelings.

Well I’m now going on 13 years out, and will be divorcing soon.

I am saying the reason is because I am unable to tolerate injustice in my life. The just answer is divorce.

We’ve gone through lots of attempts, etc. I suspect I’m just done but I don’t know. But I’m divorcing him anyway, I think, and he always can compete for my affections, or my love of being alone.

I’ll keep you updated, lol.

I didn’t know until this past year. I was waking up furious. Like legit furious at him. For some big things, but also some small things.

I just need the mental space and also I need to expedite the karma bus. Because it didn’t hit him.

And maybe I’ll feel better. Or maybe not.

This whole thing sucks. As a BS, it sucks way the fuck harder for us. So try to even things up if you can.

What does "doing and saying everything right" entail exactly?

Doing everything "right" is a bit subjective but common things might include:
*100% honesty on ALL things
*Immediate and complete NC even if it involves job changes if possible
*removes any/all trinkets/reminders of the A willingly
*See the A and their AP for what they were. Evil selfish acts from selfish people with no shred of decency or real feelings.
*Digs DEEP into their whys and takes actions to change themselves and shore up those weak spots
*Supports your healing in whatever way you need (so. Long as it is healthy not abusive)
*Shows you in ACTIONS that they understand the damage they did and give you patience and grace as you both attempt to heal.
*takes initiatives to research infidelity, find therapists, make changes, own their actions, anticipate triggers
*never blames you or the M for what they did.
*whatever else you need
* does all these things over an extended period of time - years, not months.

Rebuilding trust takes years of consistent repeated actions that slowly slowly slowly allow you to trust a little at a time. Your nervous system will start to relax and anxiety should lessen,

But for some of us, they could be the poster child for doing all this and it still might not be enough. And that is okay. You do not owe them R. Offering even a chance at R is a gift from you. My WS was NOT a poster child - his A went underground. But with time I see that no matter what he did, I would not have been able to R. It just isn’t in my wiring, even though I desperately wanted it to be.

Are you in IC? This type of conversation is great with an IC. It can help you identify what you need, if you are getting it, how to ask for it, and ultimately if it is enough for you.